Amanda Lamb: Submarine parenting
So, I’ve always known that I am not a helicopter parent. Frankly, I didn’t come from helicopter parents, and I was so busy balancing work and raising children that I was just trying to keep my head above the water most of the time. Even if it had been in my nature, I didn’t have the luxury of being a helicopter parent.
Recently, I heard a term that I think fits me much more appropriately: “submarine parent.” Author, Todd Kestin describes it as being there, beneath the surface where your kids can’t see you, but you are always still available to help in a moment’s notice. And even though they can’t see you, they know you are there.
Because I was a dance mom for so many years, I’ve used the example in my writing of waiting in the wings, just off-stage, watching your child. It’s the same premise – they know you are there, but they can’t see you. But they also know if they need you, you will spring into action.
Being a submarine parent has never been more important than when your children reach young adulthood. Because this is the time when they are making bigger decisions, more consequential, decisions, and in turn, having bigger failures that may have an impact on their paths in life. And as hard as it is, you have to watch all this unfold from beneath the water and somehow discern when you need to come to the surface and render aid.
One of my daughters now lives in New York, and the other one is doing an internship out of the country this summer, and traveling on her own for the first time. I’ll admit, it’s a little nerve-racking, but when I thought about it, I realized I did the same thing when I was 20. And in the eighties, we had no technology safety net. We did it without cell phones, or GPS, or debit cards, just the cash in our pockets. And if we ran out of money, we had to go to a Western Union and call our parents from a landline and ask our them to wire it which took days – and to be clear, the answer wasn’t always “yes.” Often it was: “Figure it out.”
There are so many memes on social media about how Gen X grew up, playing outside until dark. Our parents had no idea where we were most of the time. And I think this set a lot of us up for submarine parenting. While it’s important for our kids to know we are always there to help them, it’s equally important for them to learn how to fail and get back up and to learn how to figure things out for themselves.
I recently asked my youngest daughter if she felt like I was not present while she was growing up because I worked so many hours and in such an intense industry. She admitted that she and her sister did have a lot of babysitters, but she also said she feels like they are strong, confident, capable and driven because of how she was raised. This, as you can imagine, was a great relief.
Certainly, there’s no one-size-fits-all style of parenting for any family. I think everyone has to figure out what works for them based on their abilities and their families’ needs. So, I will continue to be a submarine parent, available in the middle of the night for any crises, but not staying up worrying about my kids every single second.
Full disclosure, while I may be a submarine parent, some day, I intend to be a helicopter grandparent….
Amanda is a mom of two and an author of several books including some on motherhood. She is also a WRAL reporter and successful podcaster. She began writing Go Ask Mom columns in January 2010 and took a short break in late 2021. Now, you can find her posts monthly on WRAL Family.
