Ask Anything: 10 questions with marriage & family therapist Chad Jordan
Marriage and family therapist Chad Jordan answers questions about children, blended families and open relationships.
Posted — UpdatedSelecting the right therapist can be an arduous task, but it is one of the most important factors for producing positive results. Taking the time to research therapists up front is paramount.
There are many factors to consider in your search, which include, but are not limited to, education and years of experience, licensure, hours and availability, gender of the therapist, type of experience (i.e. percentage of practice working specifically with couple/marital issues), approach to therapy, fees and health plan participation. Typically, therapists have some form of a professional statement to provide detailed information to potential clients.
Technology has afforded the public new opportunities for researching therapists by region and specialty.
Most marriage and family therapists will have a general understanding of relational issues and how to address them with you and your partner in therapy. However, specialties will vary, so you may need to ask directly.
Based on your question, for instance, if you and your partner are having trouble with sex specifically a sex therapist may suit you best. Problems with co-parenting or raising your children may warrant someone skilled in parent education or a therapist who offers parenting classes. Concerns with religion suggest a faith-based therapist or one who approaches therapy from spiritual domains.
Fees for therapy can vary by region, licensure level/credentials and whether or not an insurance plan may be utilized to assist with reimbursement.
Generally, marriage and family therapists' standard hourly rates range from $75-$125 per hour. Some offer a sliding scale based on the client's financial situation and many therapists will file insurance for you.
This is a very good question and one that I get often. It can be difficult in high-conflict relationships to convince a resistant partner to come in for therapy.
I suggest that the willing partner ask the resistant partner, at a time when not in the midst of an argument, if they are satisfied with the quality of the relationship and if they believe that the arguments are productive. Timing of the discussion and presentation from a non-blaming stance are important for motivating the resistant partner.
If they remain resistant, then I will discuss possibilities with the willing participant. We may elect to proceed and conduct individual therapy sessions to address relational issues. However, I typically ask that the individual inform the resistant partner that they will be attending sessions individually and offer a final plea by informing the resistant partner that they will be a topic of discussion in session, saying “Wouldn’t you rather be present in sessions to hear what we are saying and offer your perspective?”
I take the position that for couple/marital counseling to be most effective both partners should be involved in the therapy sessions at the same time.
Having a child can be one of the most rewarding and gratifying life experiences for a couple, yet the dynamics of the relationship are bound to change. It’s only natural that they do and the couple must be flexible and adjust accordingly.
Having a child presents a new developmental stage for individuals and the couple punctuating a time of change, which influences the structure and rules of any relationship.
When a child enters the picture all attention is typically placed on the child to assure they are cared for and nurtured. This is as it should be.
Maintaining commitment to the couple/marital relationship is a necessary component not only to the health of the relationship but it is a key factor in the quality of life for the child. Therefore, a balance must be achieved to maintain intimacy and connection with your partner. Maintaining those traditions for closeness as a couple, such date nights, romancing and actively seeking “us time” are key ingredients for success.
Glad to hear that advice paid off for you. I wouldn’t say that the bond between husband and wife MUST necessarily be stronger but I will say that there need to be healthy boundaries.
Many times kids have difficulty adjusting to step-parents and they will naturally “test” the strength of the new parental relationship. There are many reasons that contribute to this but I will not go into detail here. This probability necessitates a strong alliance or bond between the biological parent and step-parent.
Tough question but the short answer is that she is your wife and supporting her with patience and acceptance is key to the relationship and your love life.
She is probably aware of the changes with her body and you have probably changed in ways as well. Change is inevitable and flexibility is required to adapt/adjust towards a healthy relationship.
If she’s not interested in losing weight, what is she interested in doing? Have you guys talked about the changes with your love life? If not, I would suggest doing so and setting mutual goals to improve it. Are you both eating healthy, talking care of yourselves as individuals and as a couple? Bodies will change and unfortunately it’s usually not for the better, so, if that is the foundation of the marriage then there may be bigger problems.
I have limited experience with couples involved in open marriages.
My belief is that open relationships add a different set of challenges, when compared to conventional marriage, that the couple must continually sort through to assure clarity of rules and boundaries.
I do not judge how people choose to live their lives and I will work with couples to identify what works for the unique set of circumstances that the couple presents in therapy.
Open marriages add a significant gray area when compared with monogamous couples because the couple may be dealing with multiple intimate sexual partners at once. The physical and emotional experience attributed to sexual relationships and intimacy is complex, and determining what constitutes an affair/betrayal with the primary relationship can be dicey. It can be difficult to gauge when an extra-marital relationship is acceptable and when it has crossed the line, even with mutually agreed upon, clearly articulated rules and boundaries.
Sounds like you guys are in agreement that one person staying home and one going to a place of work suits the family.
I hear you when you say you feel guilty but my guess is that you are doing quite a bit of work at home. Taking care of a baby is no easy task. Remind yourself at times when you are feeling guilty that you have a full-time job that contributes just as much to the family as monetary income.
Arguments will happen and, given the state of the economy, financial issues remain at the top of the list for marital conflict.
Keep checking in regularly on the matter to assure you are on the same page. If you are still in agreement, then your guilt is doing no good and it is best to focus on your job: taking care of the little one.
Sounds like you are a very accommodating and understanding person, which may confuse you even more about his behavior. It may not be anything you are doing or not doing that results in his tendency to stray from the truth.
Lying is the identifiable behavior that is bothering you and it sounds like you noticed and related the behavior to his business and financial stressors, which you can always explore with him. Either way, the behavior must be confronted and addressed for the health of your relationship.
What an important question. Couples preparing for marriage should consider many variables that influence long-term compatibility. Ask how you envision your lives as individuals coming together as a couple. Understanding what makes each other tick, good sex and having a partner who “gets” you can take you a long way but some clear-cut details should be considered when taking the big step.
The following questions are a start to assure you are preparing for marriage.
- What are your individual goals and can your partner support and admire your aspirations?
- What are your mutual goals, your vision as a couple?
- Do you want kids? How many? What if you can’t have kids?
- What religious affiliation, if any, will you ascribe to?
- How does the extended family of each partner contribute to the health of the relationship and where might there be potential challenges?
- What is the current financial situation of each individual (currently in school, outstanding debts, bad credit etc.) and what are the mutual financial goals for the couple?
- Where do you plan on living?
- How do you communicate and resolve conflict?
Marriage and family therapists, counselors and clergy offer classes, workshops and/or couple sessions to address pre-marital planning.
Marriage can be a truly gratifying experience and you have to embrace all of the pleasures and rewarding times. You must also know how to navigate the challenging times together. Many changes will occur during your marriage both individually and as a couple that require work, open communication and flexibility. You can never completely prepare but the very fact that you are asking this question tells me you are on the right track.
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